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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 17, 2011 1:30pm-2:00pm PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central . >> (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report! folks. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much, folks. that's very kind.
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>> stephen: who am i to fight that, i'm only one man. folks, and i need your love because folks, this is a bitter sweet evening. because saturday marks the end of an era. the era of caring whom mike huckabee is. (laughter) who is that? oh, that's huckabee. folks, think we'll all remember where we were when we stopped caring. i was-- [bleep] where was i. i don't care. doesn't matter. anyway, mike huckabee who just last week was leading in many national polls promised that on saturday night he was going to announce his presidential plans on what some critics have called his television show. (laughter) >> stephen: i tuned in for the whole thing and of course i assumed he was
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running because on the show he was so clearly laying the groundwork for a presidential campaign by interviewing mario lopez, then jamming on cat scratch fever with ted nudge ent. i mean this-- nug, nt. i mean this screams-- (applause) >> stephen: i mean this screams commander in chief. clearly, clearly make the pussy purr is a metaphor for our a dend ent-- dependence oil or on foreign pussies. either way we need to increase domestic production. drill, baby, drill! (applause) >> stephen: so i was so excited. folks, i was blindside when at the end of his show huckabee hucka said this.
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>> i will not seek the republican nomination for president this year. all the factors say go. but my heart says no. >> stephen: the factors say go but my heart says no. why? because it rhymes? (laughter) what about the republican field is a mess so my heart says yes. or you're up against paw lentee, he's a-- pawlenty, he's a grandi, you're a venti. then it hit me, i couldn't figure it out, folks, but then hit me. i know where huckabee is not running are. you see, four years ago i put this guy on the map. >> the only reason that i'm the front-runner now is because of the cole bert bump-- colbert bump. >> stephen: i made mike huckabee. yes, i made mike huckabee. admittedly a bit of a rush job. that's why he came out so lumpy. (laughter) >> stephen: but folks, what
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does stephen give us, the colbert take away. on march of this year i put mike huckabee on notice and at that moment huckabee knew it was huckaover. (laughter) >> stephen: because no one on my unnoticed board has ever been elected president. not jane fonda. not even flavor crystals. nobody. anyway, now he's gone. faster than a gop candidate gets a fox news show. and at the end of his show, he got a very special message from a fellow person on tv. >> mike huckabee is not going to be running for president. but a lot of people are very happy that he will not be running are. especially other candidates. so mike, enjoy the show. your ratings are traffic. you're making a lot of money. you're building a beautiful house in florida. good luck.
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>> stephen: a touching sentiment. (laughter) >> stephen: more of which you can find in donald trump's line of sympathy cards, i'm sorry for your loss, that new brick patio is something else, really terrific, trump. (applause) >> stephen: makes you think. what is that? i'm sorry, i'm being told right now just today there has been a huge development in the trump campaign. for more let's go to my colleague chris matthews. >> reporter: trump, bump, hump, dump. (laughter) >> stephen: okay that is no help at all. can someone go check on chris matthews. i think he's having a stroke. does anyone know what he means? >> i will not be running for president. >> stephen: what? what? who's going to tell opec the
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fun is over? who is going to tell china to go [bleep] themselves. who, who is going to break this to meatloaf? >> should i run for president? >> absolutely. >> stephen: look at him. so full of hopes and dreams for the future. the dream that one day the president of the united states might order him to sell suntan lotion with gary busey. (laughter) >> stephen: so farewell to the donald. farewell to the huckamike. the huckaman, the huckahuck. >> i'm just trying to get as huckamany of these out before i i forget his huckaname. (laughter) >> stephen: there are two-- now two leading candidates are gone, who does that leave? yesterday on "meet the press" peggy noonan turned me on to the next big thing, newt gingrich. >> to young people, to 18 and 20-year-old voters, it
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just occurred to me, he's new. they may find him quite compelling. >> stephen: and peggy noonan is in touch with the kind of questions young voters ask. for instance, who is that lady? and why does she talk like she's giving elec can you tion lessons on a yacht. peggy is right. the kids love the newt. i have been a fan of newt since i was a kid. when i first moved to new york i used to go watch him being inflated for the thanksgiving day parade. (applause) >> stephen: but the real reason, the real reason newt is bound to be a winner is because he knows how to court corporate donors. see if you can spot his subtle fund-raising technique. >> and ibm has agreed to help solve it, american express has helped solve it, visa has agreed to help solve it. >> stephen: wow that is some world-class name dropping. the man is smooth. almost as smooth as bud
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light lime. hmmmm. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: he's going to fabrese into the white house. big newton gingrich 2012-- figure newton gingrich 2012. >> stephen: if only abraham lincoln had shown the leadership to name check corporations that baldly perhaps he could have averted the civil war by declaring a house divide kd not stand, unless it's constructed with-- satisfactory oak roof beams, chinaman built since 18230. we'll be right b
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. thank you, folks. before the commercial break i broke the titanic news that both donald trump an and-- let's see, ah, i want to say hoyt axton-- mike huckabee, whooo, both of these gentlemen have dropped out of the presidential race to spend more time with their tv shows. of course whoever is the eventual republican nominee is going to need a lot of money. because it is estimated that barack obama will raise over $1 billion for his campaign. that means between now and election day, he has to collect $21 a second.
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which is why his campaign slogan has gone from change to benjamin. (applause) >> stephen: so clearly fund-raising, fund raising is going to be key. and friday there was game-changing news in the world of campaign finance. jim? >> stephen colbert went to washington today and is filing a request to create his own superpac can. his parent company viacom doesn't want him getting them into trouble with the federal election commission while he's doing this and so now colbert is making a big production of going to the fec to file a request for a media exemption. >> stephen: oops. that is so embarrassing. i am the big news. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, again, evidently, evidently on friday i went to the federal election commission in
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washington to drop off my legal request to form a superpac it all went smoothly except-- for when with the guards wanded my groin. hey, i will remove my watch and my belt but i will not remove my balls. the whole city, the whole city showed up to greet me, if the whole city of washington is 500 white people. (laughter) >> stephen: and i addressed those good people on the steps of the fec which happens to be right across from the fbi, so to everyone who showed up, congratulations, you're on the no-fly list. jim, let's show these people the magic of that moment. >> as we stand here on this historic site, where 250 years ago today george washington filed his papers to form his independent
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expenditures, nonconnected political action committee-- (applause) >> stephen: we are also standing at an american crossroads. not to be confused with american crossroads which is the name of karl rove's superpac. now those of you who are long time supporters of colbert pac or colbert superpac, know our motto, say it with me. making a better tomorrow tomorrow. so ladies and gentlemen-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the cynics out there are going to say tomorrow never comes. well, thanks to my lawyer trevor potter, today, tomorrow just got one day closer. of course there are some who don't want to you have a voice. there are some who don't want you to have colbert superpac but you know what? i don't know about you but i'm not willing to ride in the back of the bus.
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with all this superpac money i will be riding in a private jet. who wants to ride in that jet with me? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah! obvious-- obviously i mean metaphorically because even a g-5 only holds like five people so what can you do? let me tell you a story. about a young man named ben donaldsonton that i met in iowa in a diner. ben's unemployed. and he came to me with a list of concerns. handwritten. on the back of a grease stained paper bag. these were the issues that matter to him and his family and he gave me that list. and i don't remember what they were, i'm sure jobs was on there someplace. but i do remember this. ben gave me $10.
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and i made a promise to ben that i would find a way to spend that money. will you help me keep that promise to all the other bens out there? >> yes! >> thank you. this is for you, ben! i will now shake your hand for $1 a piece. no eye contact. no kissing can on the lips. no last names. let's keep this professional. thank you! (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you so much. oh, thank you. >> i want to get that money. thank you so much. hold up your money. hold up your money. thank you. thank you. thank you. god bless you. and god bless-- citizens
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united. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: look at that! look at that. i am literally putting your money where my mouth is. i raked in a total of $31! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i also grabbed some pretty sweet watches which i assume were also a gift. what? some lady gave me this. oh. i assumed she was a gift. there you go. oh. so so how about it, nation. are you ready for colbert superpac? are you prepared to make a difference?
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: and most importantly, are you prepared to wait 60 days? because that's how long the fec legally has to respond to my request for an advisory opinion on the legality of using my tv show to promote my nonconnected political action committee can. jimmy, balloon drop. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we're just doing one at a time. you have to make them last for 60 days.
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of apolo ohno and athletes everywhere. >> welcome back, everybody, thank you very much. my guest tonight has made a documentary about chinese artist ay weiwei. >> there are particular moments and periods which allow a voice to change the way that people think. >> in some cases they call him ay shin on-line, fully eye, or eye god. >> aye shin which is like venous or something, like the god 6 love.
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>> it's a love thing. >> basically they consider him a god. >> it's a very dangerous description in china. >> stephen: please welcome allison claman. (cheers and applause) hey, allison. allison, let's educate the people here a little bit as to who iwaiway is. put up the first slide. >> that is probably the way he maybe best known in the west which is helping design the birds nest olympic stadium can. because of his outspokenness he distanced himself from the olympics. >> stephen: is that where the trouble started for him. >> that may be where the trouble started. but it got really big when he wrote about that on his blog. and when he did activism around the earthquake in may 2008 and wanted to commemorate the children who died in that earthquake. and he startedded citizens
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investigation to collect those names. and you know, that eventually led to them shutting off his blog. that lead to them even beating m. he needed emergency brain surgery. >> stephen: let's go to the next slide here, jim. >> this is his studio. >> that's right. that's a new studio, actually the government invited him to build in shanghai. right when it was finished, they went in and tore it down. >> stephen: what is it about him that even welcomes this kind of attention from the government. because in america we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way. because in america serious artists are a complete joke. and so why over there do they take him so seriously? >> maybe because he doesn't take himself so seriously. he knows how to reach out to people. how to connect to people. he's a real communicator and he has a really big following on-line. and i think in china, especially right now in this really big crackdown, i mean
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they are trying to go at anybody who is able to, you know, gather a group around them or basically free-- . >> stephen: why such a crackdown right now? >> maybe has something to do with the arab spring, you know, worried about the revolution in their own backyard. >> stephen: but they do not have arabs in china. >> they certainly have, you know, all kinds of people in china there say really big diversity of opinion in china. that is why i wanted to make a movie about him in the first place. >> stephen: is he known as somebody who opposes the government? has he been sort of revolutionary against the revolution? >> he has definitely been known as someone who is not afraid to speak out against the government to go through the system, to show its flaws. and to just be provocative on-line. >> how has he stayed out of trouble this long because he has had some other country, right? and he said it in chinese which is even harder. (laughter) how has he gotten away with
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what he has done so far? >> well, that was the big question over the two years that i spent with him, right. but his answer to that is always well, what exactly did i get away with. i mean look, i have been beaten. my blog has been sut down. >> stephen: he's alive i suppose is the question can. still alive. >> well, do you really think they're that ruthless? >> stephen: did you see the opening ceremony of the olympics? those people just what they did to those drums was-- u show the next photo. >> in is his iconnoclastic nature. what is he holding there. >> he's holding what he claims do be an un. very old, i think it's pretty clear this isn't worth detaining someone for 44 days which is what has happened so far. >> stephen: what can americans do to protest this that does not involve angering china or reminding them that we owe them a lot of money? (laughter)
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>> it's in china's interest to not be doing this. it doesn't-- it's not just that it doesn't look good for chinese. but it's not good for chinese society to crush all kinds of different opinions. he's really not that radical. he's not calling for an overthrow of the government. he's just calling for people to speak out for people to express themselves, for the government to be more transparent. >> stephen: allison claman, a documentary filmmaker. the documentary is never sorry, look for it this fall. fall. thank you so much for what's the most amazing ...was it something big? ...or something small? ...something old? ...or something new? ...or maybe, just maybe... it's something you haven't seen yet. the 2nd generation of intel core processors. stunning visuals, intelligent performance. this is visibly smart.
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>> that's it for the report, ( groaning )


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